Rosie Bans

"escape can be a strong motivation for travel"
 

There was me thinking motivation was something that you lost and found.  Like an object.  I have lost and found it over and over again.  Like a set of fucking keys.  Those pesky fucking keys.

So when I found myself bored for the first time in actual years it freaked me the fuck out.  I was like, SHIT I've lost my motivation, where is it?   Then i read the definition of motivation.

It's here.  I haven not lost it, it don't need to be found.  I just sort of forgot about it.  I forgot my motivation.  I forgot it's name.  I forgot it's taste.  it's colour/  I forgot.  Just a case of silly me, oops, sorry pal, I totes forgot all about you there.

So I have been trying to remember.  I am not entirely sure why and how we find ourselves in these little pits of forgetfulness.  We forget that running feels really good.  That eating healthy food makes us more alert, and feels really good.  We forget that THAT person is no good for us, even if they make us feel really good.  And things get close.  So close you can't see past them.  

My album is one of those things.  It's so close it has almost fully consumed me.  Well at least the idea of it has anyway.  When I think about it I get anxious, I start to panic then quickly start berating myself for not having it finished.  It should be finished by now.  You have wasted so much time, I say to myself.  Think of where you would be now if you had not stopped.  I needed to reconnect with my life and for some reason I just can't do it through music right now.

So now I am picking up the pieces and instead of glueing them back together and being exactly like I was before I am deciding which pieces to keep and which parts of me to chuck away.  The parts that just didn't work.  

It's a hard process, and has involved lots of therapy.  

I've been working on remembering the reasons for why I make music, why I create.  I want to feel the butterflies of excitement again.  Remembering is hard when the last eight months have been a hazy bubble of bad boys, drink, crying and endings!

So, right now, right here, I am creating my own reasons.  Why do I make music?

-  It allows me to connect with people.  People I have never even met before.
-  Time stands still when I write music
-  The deepest parts of my being can bubble up to the surface through music.  This helps me understand who I am and where I stand in relation to the world.
-  No one can ever take my music away from me and that gives me a sense of control over my life
-  It feels good

Man I am so fucking deep.  Anyway, I needed to write all this shit down and what better place to do it than on the internet.  I want to know if anyone else has just forgot their reasons?!?!  I am sure this is a common thing.  Maybe it is because we are all constantly changing?  Our reasons change too?  No one stays the same, we learn, we adjust, we make mistakes, we adjust again. 

I am just adjusting.

Thanks for reading xx