New.

Hiya pals!

The tail end of 2014 was packed full of 'life stuff'.  Do you know what I mean?  Life stuff.  Relationships, moving house, people leaving, people arriving, old friendships wandering into new territories, the end of a business, the start of new study...  all this left me with a horrible feeling in my gut.  I had no grounding.  No contact with anything solid.  Those pillars that you reference your life against just disappeared.  So I just kicked around getting pissed a lot.  Like really pissed.  Not a good move.  It does not help.

Anyway, I got thinking WHAT is it that actually keeps my feet on the ground?  Without contact on the ground how can I walk forward, well, truth is I just can't.  

This is the idea of who I am in my own head:

Organised
Focused
Determined
Feisty 
Fit
Happy 

From September I lost it all.  I felt weak, drained, unhealthy, hungover, ashamed but the worst of it was I lost my focus and motivation.  The most horrible scary place for someone like me to be.  I had no forward motion, no drive.  

Well, I've not experienced this before.  Even when my Mother passed away, the single most character shaping thing to happen in my life, I did not feel a drop in focus.  

As they say, there is always a silver lining...

I've had some time to take a breath!!!  I have met some amazing people recently, some absolute fuckers too, but I have let them all in and taking a break from running at 100mph has reshaped me and allowed some space in my heart for other things.  I feel like I am a different person to how I was in summer.  More relaxed, more determined but more open to change.  I want to get to a place where change does not freak me the fuck out.  

So I have decided to move to Germany!  October 2015 will be my last month living in London.  I figure, if I am ever going to make friends with change then I have to go about creating as much of it as possible in my life, get used to her and be calm in her presence.  

And of course SONGS!!  Songs songs songs have been written about it all!!  Every individual that has impacted my life recently has a song (or three) about them in my book!!

So now I am in a new place.  I understand that life is incredibly messy.  No such thing as perfection, and once that's understood and embraced then the tumbles and falls are just as exhilarating as riding those waves are.  My Mum used to say this phrase to comfort me when I was worried, sad, scared.  It always helped and when I say it I hear her voice.  "This too shall pass."  This too shall pass. 

So, it's totally cool if you're lost.  It's good to be lost, that means you are searching for the right path, and how boring would life be if we did not go off and explore, loosing our bearings on the way?

I am back hitting it up with the artPACKT crew, we have so much cool shit happening this year I cannot even BEGIN!  Keep in touch and I look forward to seeing you again on the road this year!!!

Happy New Year.  Happy New.

xxx





 

2 comments

  • Phil

    Phil U. S. A.

    Well said. Let's hear it for determination, openness and hope ! Here are some observations from a much older man: The good thing about depression is that it shows us what we need to change. Much of your anger comes from judgment grounded in your own moral clarity. Maybe think about how helpful that really is ~ how hard you are on yourself ~ and how much better you feel after aerobic exercise. This is me speaking from my own experience which may not apply to you. As Joan Baez sang, " Be not too hard" and that applies to ourselves too. I am one of many people who recognize your goodness and beauty. We wish you the best. Keep your courage and hope; and thanks for keeping us posted. Love, Phil

    Well said. Let's hear it for determination, openness and hope !

    Here are some observations from a much older man:
    The good thing about depression is that it shows us what we need to change.

    Much of your anger comes from judgment grounded in your own moral clarity. Maybe think about how helpful that really is ~ how hard you are on yourself ~ and how much better you feel after aerobic exercise. This is me speaking from my own experience which may not apply to you.

    As Joan Baez sang, " Be not too hard" and that applies to ourselves too.

    I am one of many people who recognize your goodness and beauty. We wish you the best. Keep your courage and hope; and thanks for keeping us posted.

    Love,
    Phil

  • Rosie Bans

    Rosie Bans

    Thank you so much Phil!! I feel strength from you words :) xxxx

    Thank you so much Phil!!

    I feel strength from you words smile xxxx

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